How to Know When Your Marriage Is Over: Here are the 4 Signs to Look For

As a divorce coach, I commonly get asked the question, “how do I know when my marriage is over?”

The answer isn’t simple. No two marriages are exactly alike, and something that might be a minor blip on the radar for one relationship can serve to break another. 

Moreover, I’m not a couples counselor, relationship coach, or psychologist. (Though I am always happy to refer clients of mine to very capable professionals in each of these categories). So whenever this questions arises, I often look to Dr. John Gottman for the answer. 

Gottman is a renowned American psychologist and researcher who has done extensive work in the areas of marital stability and divorce prediction. He’s written a number of books, including The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and co-founded The Gottman Institute – an incredible resource for anyone looking to build stronger relationships. 

But getting back to the question at hand, Dr. Gottman points to four communication styles that, according to research, can predict the end of a relationship. He coined them “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” and these are the indicators I most frequently cite when someone asks me how to gauge the health of their marriage.

So in case you’re curious, here are the four things you should be particularly wary of when it comes to marital stability:  

I.               Criticism

 When criticism is consistently present in your relationship, that can be a sign that things have grown unhealthy. 

It’s one thing to offer your partner a piece of constructive feedback or to share a specific complaint with them about something they’ve done that’s hurt or bothered you. But if you find yourself using criticism to broadly attack or tear down your partner’s character, that’s where the behavior can cause some real damage.

Criticism can subtly creep into a relationship and worsen over time. It’s important to have awareness of when criticism surfaces in your marriage because it can often lead to one or more of the other horsemen.

II.             Defensiveness

Defensiveness tends to occur in situations where one partner feels criticized or attacked and reacts by putting up resistance, often in the form of making excuses. Instead of admitting some level of fault or taking responsibility for something, the defensive partner deflects the blame they feel they’re receiving. 

Not only is this technique ineffective when it comes to resolving a conflict, but it can also eat away at your relationship over time.   

III.            Stonewalling

Stonewalling takes place when one partner stops responding to the other – whether by shutting down or closing themselves off, withdrawing from or otherwise avoiding the interaction.

People tend to resort to stonewalling when they feel overwhelmed. In these instances, the person who is stonewalling closes-off from their partner instead of facing and addressing whatever issues are being raised. 

IV.           Contempt

This is the horseman to take most seriously. Here’s why:

Contempt is the #1 predictor of divorce.

Yup. So take note. Contempt can appear in a relationship in the form of meanness, mockery, ridicule, disrespect, name-calling – really any action or behavior that makes the recipient feel worthless and despised. 

It most commonly arises when one partner’s had longstanding negative thoughts or feelings about the other and lashes out at them from a place of righteousness or moral superiority.  

If contempt has become a hallmark of someone’s marriage, their relationship will be difficult to salvage. 

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All of this said, if one (or more) of the four horsemen has shown up in your own marriage, don’t despair. It’s common for these dynamics to arise even in healthy relationships.

The important difference is that members of healthy relationships resort to using the four horsemen far less frequently than people in unhealthy relationships do, and when they *do* use one of the four horsemen, partners in a healthy relationship take action to repair the damage that’s been caused. 

Even if these four communication styles are repeatedly present in your relationship, I would caution you from presuming it’s beyond repair. Rather, I’d suggest viewing the four horsemen as “indicator lights” that your marriage needs service. (Maybe a big service if contempt is involved). 

Again, it can be difficult to know if or when your marriage is truly “over”. These 4 factors can help give you a sense of how unhealthy (or maybe even toxic) your relationship has become. 

But based on my experience (both personal and professional) what I will say is this: A marriage is over when at least one of its members decides it’s over. So long as both partners are willing to keep working on it, to keep trying – I believe there’s hope. 

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Kim West is the Founder of Navigating the Knot, a company she built to assist and empower clients on either end of marriage. Kim (JD, MBA) is a Consultant, Certified Coach, & Certified Divorce Specialist (CDS) who offers her services nationwide. To learn more, follow her on Facebook or Instagram.

To schedule a free consultation call with Kim, sign up here: https://calendly.com/navigatingtheknot/freeconsultation